Make A JetBoil FlameThrower

Necessary? Maybe not. But then again, once you play around with this baby, a normal campstove just won’t seem adequate.

First of all, let me clarify: Don’t try this, you’ll kill yourself and burn all the people you love. Plus, it’s likely illegal or something.

Don’t blame me if something goes terribly wrong because when you are playing with fire there’s always that chance. (But that’s kind of the point, right? But you didn’t hear it from me) So, there’s that. Now, here’s how to make it (hypothetically speaking):

First, you need a Jet Boil campstove. Maybe not a Jet Boil specifically, but I know they work and the name just sounds cooler than the rest (it implies a 747 jumbo jet is warming up your food, which is cool). This acts as your pilot light, or your constant small flame which is used to ignite the larger fuel source. You see pilot lights on water heaters, propane heaters, and other, larger flame throwers (ever play Halo?). Dig your Jet Boil out of the attic. All you need is the fuel canister and the burner, so chuck the rest aside. Screw the fuel canister onto your burner and set that down.

Next, you need to get one of those easy grip spray paint doohickeys that clamps down onto the top of spray paint canisters. This gives you a good grip on the flame thrower and gives you a nice trigger o’death to pull whenever you want to rain fire and brimstone down upon something. It clamps right on top of spray paint cans. While spray paint is somewhat flammable, we are looking for brimstone level heat. So we leave the paint cans on the shelf and buy starting fluid, specifically because starting fluid was designed to ignite quickly and easily. Really, anything with a flammable warning label will probably work but starting fluid comes in nice cans that are nearly identical to spray bombs, so the handle clamps nicely on them – which is incredibly convienent.

Now, get some duct tape and wrap the Jet Boil canister to the starting fluid canister. Make the nozzle of the starting fluid can an two or so inches above the burner of the Jet Boil. This allows for a nice amount of oxygen to be present around the point of ignition. You can get different colors of duck tape, so be creative! If you are looking for longevity, use Gorilla tape. It’s tactical black in color, and is super strong and will never let go. Which may be a problem if you are going to take it apart again (we don’t think you’ll want to anyway). Now, clip the spray gun handle onto your starting fluid canister. Light the pilot light (the Jet Boil) and turn it down to a nice idle. You don’t need a large flame on the Jet Boil, and the lower you turn the flame, the longer your pilot light will burn. Then pull the trigger on the handle doohickey, and viola! You have a massive, portable, directional flame that will take other hikers by surprise.

If you are going for a covert operation, you may want to think about blasting the whole assembly flat black. If you have it on the shelf there, think about using the high heat spray paint. But of course always remember that this is a purely hypothetical creation and shouldn’t be attempted in anyway.

Here’s a picture of the hypothetical creation in use (it’s Photoshopped, of course, since it’s hypothetical in nature and doesn’t exist since it’s probably illegal somewhere):

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